General Escape
by Ninetalesuk
Summary: Better think of a better title for this. A scene script for my English class. Hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I wrote it.


BLACKADDER GOES FORTH GENERAL ESCAPE By Ninetalesuk  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Blackadder, Baldrick, George, Melchett and Darling are copyrighted to the BBC. This is a short story I made for my English class in college. Hope you enjoy it.  
  
SCENE 1:The Dug-Out  
  
(Captain Edmund Blackadder sat at his desk, in front of the book, with a pen in his hand).  
  
BLACKADDER: (Thought, writing it down) Dear, diary. It is Day 76 and I'm still stuck in the dug-out with the most stupid man in the world and the son of a hairy ape that lives in London Zoo. For now, we are awaiting orders from General Melchett to go over the top and get shot by the Germans. But, I'm sure today won't turn out bad.  
  
(Baldrick comes in)  
  
BALDRICK: Good afternoon, sir.  
  
BLACKADDER: (Thought, writing it down) I take that back; today WILL turn out bad. (Turns to Baldrick, normal voice) What do you want, Baldrick?  
  
BALDRICK: I have come to inform you that I have cleared the trenches as you ordered me to do.  
  
BLACKADDER: Well done, Baldrick. As a special reward, take a short holiday. (1 second pause) Did you enjoy it? Good.  
  
BALDRICK: Thank you, sir.  
  
(George comes in)  
  
GEORGE: Tally oh! Pip pip! Bernard's Your Uncle!  
  
BLACKADDER: Good afternoon to you too, George.  
  
GEORGE: Has the general's orders come through yet, sir?  
  
BLACKADDER: Nope, George. If it did, we wouldn't be having this talk and be having some fun by rotting on Dead Man's Land with the others.  
  
GEORGE: That's a shame, sir. I'm looking forward to going over the top and shout to the Germans that they will never bring us down!  
  
BLACKADDER: Will this be before or after they shoot you with their gun?  
  
GEORGE: Come on, sir. What are the chances of us getting shot?  
  
BLACKADDER: Out of the other 100 battles where our men went over the top...? Hmm, about a 100%. Now, listen to me. The last thing I need is to go over the top and find myself playing the harp on a cloud while Melchett is safe indoors. I need to think of a subtle plan to get us out of this mess.  
  
BALDRICK: Subtle plans? Do you always have subtle plans, sir?  
  
BLACKADDER: Of course, Baldrick.  
  
BALDRICK: I never have seen any subtle plans.  
  
BLACKADDER: Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing "Subtle plans are here again!"  
  
BALDRICK: Oh.... That's all right then.  
  
GEORGE: Anyway, sir. I've got some splendid questions to ask you.  
  
BLACKADDER: Go ahead. Anything to amuse me.  
  
GEORGE: Right sir. Is there any news from the eastern trench? Lead by Captain Marmydons?  
  
BLACKADDER: Don't know, George. Why don't you ask him? He is up on Dead Man's Land now since last Tuesday at noon.  
  
GEORGE: Oh.... And what about Captain Sheepsqueezers who is near to Marmydons? Please don't tell me that they have been suckcreamed as a queen's nobbo?  
  
BLACKADDER: If you asking if they are dead, yes...  
  
GEORGE: Oh dear... What about the Nibblepibbles? Are they dead?  
  
BLACKADDER: Nope.  
  
GEORGE: Well, hurrah!  
  
BLACKADDER: Reason they are not dead is because they do not exist, George. You just made them up.  
  
GEORGE: Oh... How silly of me.  
  
BLACKADDER: Quite. Now, anymore insane questions or should I have to beat you down with a stick.  
  
GEORGE: No worries, sir. I have to check the men anyway. Tally oh!  
  
(George leaves)  
  
BLACKADDER: God... If I stay here much longer, I will go insane!  
  
BALDRICK: Do not fret sir. For I have a cunning plan.  
  
BLACKADDER: Sometimes, I think going over the top and getting shot is a good idea... But, I have no other choice. What is your plan, Baldrick?  
  
BALDRICK: Well, first of all, you buy an outfit that resembles a cow.  
  
BLACKADDER: Oh, I get it now. You want me to dress up as a cow and live on a farm for the rest of the war? Is that what you are trying to say?  
  
BALDRICK: Yes. What do you think?  
  
BLACKADDER: Let me put it this way, Baldrick. Your brain is like the four-headed, man- eating haddock fish-beast of Aberdeen.  
  
BALDRICK: In what way?  
  
BLACKADDER: It doesn't exist. (Sighs) No, we have to think up another plan.  
  
BALDRICK: Okay, sir. I will prepare my special meal?  
  
BLACKADDER: Rat is it?  
  
BALDRICK: Yes, sir. But, it is a special rat. I call this.... Rat-au-vin!  
  
BLACKADDER: Rat-au-vin?  
  
BALDRICK: Yep. You see this rat...  
  
BLACKADDER & BALDRICK: ...That has been run over by a van.  
  
BALDRICK: Had it before then, sir?  
  
BLACKADDER: Nope and I don't think I will start, Baldrick.  
  
BALDRICK: Fair enough, sir.  
  
(George comes back in)  
  
GEORGE: Everything is in tip-top shape, sir. All equipment is in one piece.  
  
BLACKADDER: Once we go over the top, we will be in a million of pieces.  
  
GEORGE: Come on, sir. What's the worst that could happen?  
  
BLACKADDER: Having a conversation with you two but it is too late.  
  
(Suddenly, the phone rings)  
  
GEORGE: Ah, this could be it. A phone call from GHQ. We are going over the top at last, hurrah!  
  
BALDRICK: Better answer it, sir.  
  
BLACKADDER: I will. In about an hour or so.  
  
GEORGE: All right, I will answer it then.  
  
BLACKADDER: Hours up! (Picks phone up) Good afternoon. This is the Gosport Football Stadium. Any insults and we will kick your head in.  
  
SCENE 2:Dug-Out/Staff HQ  
  
(Darling was sitting at his desk, speaking to Blackadder through the phone)  
  
DARLING: Very funny, Blackadder. Now, listen here. Tomorrow morning, you and your men must go over the top to face the Germans! Have you got that and do you have any problems with that order?  
  
BLACKADDER: Yes I do, Darling. It means me and my men have our brains blown out for Britain. What is the tactical plan for fighting the Germans this time then, hmm? Walk very slowly to our pit of death?  
  
DARLING: No. This is a brilliant new idea! You will never believe this! Actually, General Melchett thought of this. We are going to get a back-up team for the men.  
  
BLACKADDER: Come again?  
  
DARLING: Let me explain this clearly. The general thought that sending a submarine, as a back up was a pretty good idea.  
  
BLACKADDER: I would agree. It would surprise the Germans that an underwater machine was able to plow through the earth while every one of us is filled up with bullets.  
  
DARLING: Well, he soon gave up on the idea. The general's new idea is to send the cavalry in as the men's back-up group.  
  
BLACKADDER: Ah, I understand now. Our back-up team will be made up of men riding on horses, through a field that is made up of dead bodies, bullets, mud and other stuff that is hard to describe?  
  
DARLING: Err. yes. Yes, Blackadder. That is correct. Anyway, the general used this idea before.  
  
BLACKADDER: Did it work?  
  
DARLING: Classified information!  
  
BLACKADDER: It didn't work then, did it?  
  
DARLING: What are you? Psychic?  
  
(Melchett enters)  
  
MELCHETT: Who are you talking to, Darling?  
  
DARLING: Captain Blackadder, sir.  
  
MELCHETT: Excellent, Darling. Tell him that the battle for tomorrow has been cancelled.  
  
DARLING: Right away, sir. What? Why?  
  
MELCHETT: Order from GHQ, Darling. After the last time, they don't want another disaster like that and I happen to agree. BAH!  
  
DARLING: Oh. (An evil grin appears on his face as he gets an idea) Captain Blackadder here has just called you a fat bushy-nose twit.  
  
BLACKADDER: What?  
  
MELCHETT: He did, did he? Well, I will have a word with him now! Hand me that phone!  
  
DARLING: Here you are sir. (Hands Melchett the phone)  
  
MELCHETT: Thank you, Darling. (On phone) Blackadder!  
  
BLACKADDER: (Fake French voice) Bonjour, welcome to la French Radio Station, Eengesh version. Our topic is about ze foolish English general who planned an attack on the evil Germanz with a battalion of men and horses. What a plonker.  
  
MELCHETT: (Reacts to phone and turns to Darling) Darling, this is amazing!  
  
DARLING: (Confused) What is sir?  
  
MELCHETT: This phone here is picking up signals from a radio station in France somewhere!  
  
DARLING: Sir! That is a trick Blackadder is playing! He is on the phone right now!  
  
MELCHETT: Oh, stop moaning, Darling. (Hands him back the phone) Here, see if you can tune into a BBC radio station for me, Darling. I would like to know how the cricket match is doing. Carry on.  
  
(Melchett leaves)  
  
DARLING: Very good, Blackadder. You were able to worm your way out of that one, didn't you? Well, you won't worm your troubles away when I'm through with you!  
  
BLACKADDER: I'm happy for your health too, Darling. Would you like to come over here for our evening meal? We have a lovely special you could try.  
  
DARLING: What is that?  
  
BLACKADDER: Rat-au-vin.  
  
DARLING: Well.. Okay, I will come. I'm sure nothing will happen.  
  
BLACKADDER: Believe me, Darling. I'm sure nothing will happen. 


End file.
